I couldn't fall asleep, and as I couldn't fall asleep at an early time, I am not going to worry about how many hours I can sleep today. I was tired the whole day, but when I got into the bed, tucked myself in and closed my eyes, a lot of pictures came into my mind, which bothered me so much that I had to get up and look for my vodka drink.
I turned the kichen light on--so quiet, everything was so quite as if there was only me in this world. I sat at the counter and felt a bit cold, but not that scared anymore. I know that everything that I want is like sand. I try to grab it tightly in my hand; it falls down. I'm used to it. Time goes by so quickly, and yesterday( technically the day before yesterday as it's passed 12am already) the alarm clock went out of battery...I didn't buy a new one to fix it as I wanted it to stop like that--it looks peaceful to me. I've only used the clock for a few months, but why the battery went out so quickly...
I felt that when the liquid when down my throat, it set a fire there. I am not drunk though, I am just getting a bit relaxed, and I wanted to keep a dairy--today I didn't write it on my qzone but this blog as I am using this one more often now.
That was absolutely not enough to make me drunk. I looked in the mirror, and I saw what I hated as it was not a smiling face, and I know it is not going to be one. If it was paper, I would tear it into pieces right away.
Xiaoyue, you have written quite skillfully here because of the descriptive vocabulary and very appropriate rhythms! Well done!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I have great sympathy for you because of whatever you experienced last night. If I may, could I recommend trying a bit of meditation? Alcohol is not always something that can relax us, but investing in yourself by learning and practicing meditation could yield great benefits.
Most importantly, though: the mirror. It shows you. Please learn to accept yourself, and don't judge yourself. I know from personal experience that this is not always easy, but it is always worth it. You are a good, wonderful person, and you bring happiness to others, including me. Please don't give up on yourself and your happiness.
Writing posts like this can be cathartic, and people often feel better after they write out of their deepest pains, so if I have over-reacted, please forgive me. I am proud of you for writing and sharing, in any case, and as always, I continue to believe in you!
Thank you Nathan.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what you said. I do feel much better after writing out of my pain, and I fell asleep after I wrote it. When I talk to people, I usually smile, which is not always real, and I feel tired too. That is why I like writing.
Meditation is good, but I think I do it too much, and that is one of the reasons why I had trouble falling asleep><.
I'm not scared, but I feel that I am sooo cold to everything, or I wish I could be.